One session with a psychic is like a year's worth of therapy, and (for you skeptics out there) whether or not it's hocus pocus or has any validity in the physical world is completely irrelevant because in the moment, for what it's worth, it serves a definite purpose and has validity for me. That alone makes it real. This is only a snippet, a tiny piece of what was said in that room and does not (cannot possibly) convey the full weight of the impact it had.
I walked into J's (as I shall call her) office and she immediately pulled me in for a hug. I'd only seen her twice before, over the span of three years, but when you're psychic it must feel like you know people pretty well! I plopped down on the wider-than-normal armchair, kicked off my flip-flops, folded one leg over the other, and placed a pillow in my lap for extra comfort. I started with what had made me call her in the first place, telling her of my experience in the audition. What I didn't mention before is that was the second experience of that nature, the first being only a couple months earlier. Again, it was an audition I really cared about, for a theatre company I'd been wanting to work with because of their reputation, body of work and equity status. I worked my ass off to prepare for the audition and once again found myself in a room with one woman. She sat at her long, menacing table and didn't look up at me once during my entire 3-minute audition. I had driven 2 1/2 hours (round-trip) for a three-minute opportunity to impress one woman who didn't have the decency to watch me as I put everything I had into 180 seconds, performing a dramatic monologue and 16 bars of a comedic song. I asked around to find out if this was normal and found out that, indeed, she was not known for her attentiveness. Well, if that's how she treats people, I don't want to work with her anyway (was my attitude) and I brushed it off since it didn't seem to be personal. When it happened a second time, though, I couldn't ignore it. Something was going on. As J and I began discussing it, she asked me when, in my past, I had felt "not seen" (as that was clearly what was happening in the audition room). I hemmed and hawed for a minute because it just seemed too obvious and I was trying to come up with something, I don't know, more abstract? But it appears that all roads lead back to college. I have buried a lot of those memories but it's time to deal with them, to work through it and let it go. (There was, of course, a lot more to the discussion but if I went into any more detail this post would be a novel!)
J: So... what's happened since then?
R: Well, it actually sort of happened before, I was just in denial about it.
J: Oh good! Great! That just means there's work to be done.
R: Oh, lots of work to be done. And this goes back to college too, it all stems from the same timeframe.
I talked forever about the whole history of my throat trauma, my experience with unsupportive teachers and the blind trust I gave them. I told her of my polyps and my new voice teacher (who's also a voice movement therapist and has been working with me to clear some of that trauma) and of my impending silence and lifestyle and identity changes (to which she later she said it was so much less about "losing my identity," and more about getting in touch with my true identity). I told her I'd opted to spend mucho dinero on a retreat so I could have guidance through the process and learn how to maintain this new lifestyle of mine. She let me go on, asking questions every now and then to help fill in some gaps. When I was done she had much to say.
J: Okay, we have to talk about something else right now... whenever there are fairly serious issues with the 5th Chakra, the throat chakra which is how we express our creativity, how we speak our truth, how we find our voice, I always have to ask about the second chakra, because they're connected, and that is sex and sexuality, how we approach our sexuality, how we may or may not have been treated around our sexuality as a child and sometimes, not all the time, there's been sexual abuse when people have serious throat stuff going on.... Sometimes when we have a hard time shifting energy here [throat chakra] it's because we need to be shifting energy here [sacral chakra]. The 2nd chakra is the clear sentient chakra, how we feel other people's feelings, how we connect to people. What, if anything does that bring up for you?
In that moment I couldn't come up with much of anything. I hadn't been sexually abused and nothing seemed to be screaming for my attention. It wasn't until the next day, while I was getting a massage, that answers started flooding into my consciousness. I had been so completely unaware of any issues with the 2nd chakra that when they finally came to the surface I couldn't help but laugh. It was an "a-ha, uh-duh" fiesta. For the purposes of this blog I will not go into more detail to spare certain people from TMI. If, however, you relate to this on some level and need or want more information, I am happy to share on a one-on-one basis.
Another thing of particular note that we discussed was the need to let go of the "story" that I have to be masculine (which, among other things, comes out in the deeper voice) and start embracing my divine feminine. Both the 5th and 2nd chakras are ruled by Venus and when problems arise in those areas it means we're "not in touch with our goddess," we think we need to shed femininity to get what we long for but that's never true, it, like anything, is about balance.
J: Tell me what you know about dropping your divine feminine at the curb and squealing off in your hot rod.... Did you ever feel like your parents wanted you to be a boy?
R: No. [My dad was adamant about having two girls, and that's what he got!]
J: Ok good.
R: I don't know, I mean I took a lot of women's studies classes in high school and then I double majored in it in college. I think... that actually didn't serve me.
J: I know! I mean that kind of, energetically, promotes...
R: Masculinity.
J: Yeah, finding your "man place."
J encouraged me to call Divine Femininity back to my side, to shed the notion (women get this message from a whole host of places) that to get what I want in this world I have to be masculine. Among other things, she said, it would help me attract a partner into my life because I'm going to look like a woman energetically, instead of the disastrous confusion of genders I've been dragging around (my words, not hers). She told me to ask my voice teacher if she did any chakra work and urged me to do some clearing work with the 2nd/5th chakra connection.
J: Healing happens in layers and this might be a life's work, this isn't like three-weeks-down-on-the-green-farm-and-we'll-be-good-to-go, [laughs] but there will be immediate results if you're out of your resistance and in your intention.
Two days later I asked my voice teacher to help me clear my 2nd chakra woes. I described the epiphanies I'd had regarding the sacral chakra and we got to work. Among other things, I visualized Divine Femininity (she's beautiful with blondish dreadlocks, her own unique style, and the kindest face you ever did see), and I pictured her back at the rest stop where I'd dumped her all those years ago. I pulled over, opened the door, and gently asked her to be part of my life again. She got in the car without hesitation and a week later I was calling someone my boyfriend for the first time in almost four years....
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