Thursday, July 1, 2010

Necessary Tangent (or Why I Called a Psychic)

I am a relatively rational person and I live in my brain, over-analyzing absolutely everything. I often experience bouts of insomnia when my mind is ablaze with thoughts I can't extinguish. I also happen to be creative and spiritual and emotional which, I admit, is a little disconcerting since logic and spirituality are at opposite ends of the proverbial spectrum. Does that make me well-rounded? (you might ask) Or does it make me a little crazy? Still assessing. My point is that, while I don't subscribe to any single religion, belief system or set of rules, I do like to explore possibilities. Over the years I suppose I've cultivated my own belief system, but there is no book or presence of a single deity. I am, for example, fascinated by astrology and have had personal experiences that might "prove" its merit to some degree, but I don't go around befriending or avoiding people based on their astrological sign; I don't read my horoscope every day (or ever, really) and I certainly don't take anything as gospel. A grain of salt goes a long, long way. HOWEVER, when The Shit hits the fan and I've exhausted introspection, you bet your ass I opt to call upon someone I trust with the abilities and sensitivities of a psychic....

After several weeks of denial followed by a "fuck the world, why me?" attitude, I decided it would still be a good idea to go out and audition for something that was really important to me. In this business, in order to take rejection in stride, it is important to care enough about a project to do well in the audition but not to care so much that, upon finding out they have decided to cast someone else, you are crushed and fall into a temporary depression. That just doesn't serve anyone. So I do my homework and I prepare for each audition diligently, but once I am out of the audition room I forget it ever happened. If I'm offered the role I rejoice and can then allow myself to get attached to the project. But if I never hear from them again it's okay, because I have put it out of my mind. Every so often, however, something comes along that I get attached to from the start. In this case, it was a general audition for a local theatre company. I have my heart set on working with them because it would be a whole new level of experience for me. A step up, if you will. Reputation, production value, artistic vision and level of professionalism set this company apart. I want that.

I found a new monologue and hired a coach to get myself as prepared as possible. I wanted to do really well, I wanted them to see how much talent I had and what an asset I'd be if they'd let me in to their exclusive club. I arrived at the audition and learned that there was no "they." It was one woman conducting the auditions and, according to the person monitoring the sign-ups, she was SO nice, and SO gracious and had a memory of STEEL. That made me uber glad I'd chosen a new monologue, because the only other one I had under my belt she would have seen me do two years ago at the TBA general auditions (where casting directors from theatre companies all over the Bay Area sit in on three full days of back-to-back auditions.) Upon entering, I handed her my headshot and resume and spotted a chair shoved all the way to the back of the room. This audition had a time limit of 2 minutes and I was taught to set up the room FIRST because the clock starts ticking as soon as you've introduced yourself. So I grabbed the chair and placed it as she asked me "what I had for her." I introduced the monologue and as I did, I saw her reach for her purse and pull out her lip gloss. She proceeded to apply the lip gloss and dig through her purse for the entirety of the monologue. After I was finished she started asking me questions about my resume and I think I must have had an edge to my voice. I'm pretty sure I gave short, curt answers instead of taking the opportunity to expound and show her who I was despite her complete lack of respect and attention. But I was caught off guard and, because it meant so much to me, I was discombobulated and pissed off. I'm sure that came across in my behavior because I have never been any good at hiding my feelings.

On the way back to the car, I told my friend (who also auditioned and had a great experience) what happened. She was appalled. I, being someone who on a rational level over-analyzes everything and on a spiritual level wants to take responsibility for my part in any given situation instead of blaming everyone else, said, "What am I doing to attract that kind of behavior?!" Of course my supportive friend said I couldn't blame myself, that it was just disrespectful and rude on her part. But she didn't do that when my friend was in the room. She (I'm guessing) didn't do it when the other 200 people walked in the room and gave her everything they had in that moment. So what was I doing, what was I broadcasting that made it okay for her to do it when I was in the room? I was at a loss and didn't feel like I had it in me to figure it out by myself, so I called the psychic. In the week-and-a-half before our appointment SO MUCH happened that by the time I got to her office I had a completely different agenda... or so I thought.

2 comments:

  1. It's not automatically our own fault when other people do something disrespectful, thoughtless, annoying, or even mean. It doesn't mean that we gave off some vibe that "allowed" them to do it, it just means they did it, for their own reasons. Maybe her lips just felt dry. Maybe you reminded her of a girlfriend from college who screwed her boyfriend so she kind of hated you unconsciously.

    As you said--you have to forget auditions after (or try) because you can never really figure out why or why you didn't get the part.

    I recently had two auditions that felt perfect--effortless, egoless, deeply felt. In one I did a monologue that got a lot of laughs, and a song that seemed bigger than my voice and filled every corner of the space.

    In the other I'd worked on a character's backstory and accent until it was simply a person I knew and when I did it, I was him. Both auditions felt the way you want an audition to feel--like you were doing everything you can do.

    I didn't get either part, and in both cases I really wanted them and took it hard--even though I know how it works and have learned to be good about rejection--I WANTED these parts, and I didn't get them.

    Contrast this with an audition where I didn't get the sides, so I didn't know what everyone else knew when they came in, I was reading cold, I felt kind of spastic and left thinking, "Well, that was a disaster," and I got the part--and then was asked to do another part for the same group.

    So you can do brilliant auditions and not get the part, and you can feel like crap and get two jobs.

    And neither of them were because I was putting out a magical vibe that said, "Reject me" or "hire me," it was simply because as good as I was, I wasn't what they were looking for.

    Yes, you have to be prepared and professional.But just as casting is totally subjective and based on far more than "how good you were," so is the way people act at an audition.

    So your being curt was something you could control, and could have an affect on how she felt about you (or it could have just confirmed her subconscious dislike!). But you Just entering the room didn't cause her to be rude.

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  2. Maybe you're right, but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't at least consider my part in the whole ordeal. By doing that, I can actually learn from the experience instead of writing it off. By asking myself what I could have done differently in that situation I am not necessarily making it MY FAULT, I am merely arming myself with information and experience should something like that happen again.

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