Can You Hear Me Now?

About eight months ago I started to notice that I didn't like the way I was relating to people. Not always, but in general I was one of those people who related everything to my own life. I connected to people by responding to their stories with my own similar stories. It started really annoying me, actually, and I wanted it to change. I wanted to listen more, to take in a person's story without my synapses calculating the response; I wanted to ask questions and delve deeper into their experience instead of bombarding them with mine; I wanted to trust that there would come a time for me to share my story without stepping on someone else's. In January I went on a road trip with a close friend of mine and this very subject came up. It turned out that she had been feeling exactly the same way (ironically, we discovered that by doing exactly what we wanted to stop doing!) so we discussed the issue at length and helped each other come up with ways to modify our behavior. It really started to stick and then in May I was at a friend's wedding with people I hadn't seen in a long time and my old ways came flooding back. By the end of the weekend I wanted to shoot myself I was so annoying, but I couldn't stop. At least, I suppose, I was aware of it. When J talked about the 2nd chakra (being how we connect to people), that is certainly one of the things that came up for me (and is one I can share without risk of TMI). I started the work months ago but it's one of the things that made me really appreciate the timing of this edict of silence, as it will certainly help me achieve my goal of being a better listener.

Every so often I run across old journals or scribblings of thoughts I jotted down on the go and never went back to. In the month leading up to my silence the most apropos things were popping up all over the place. For example, I found an old journal under my bed. It's 3 times the thickness of a normal journal, but only the first fifteen-or-so pages are filled out (my journaling habits are a whole other story). The first entry isn't dated (though I'm making an educated guess that it was April 2007, my 30th birthday month) and the last entry is from June of 2007, exactly three years ago when I was preparing to leave LA to come to Berkeley for a short stint before taking off for Europe (the aforementioned epiphany-filled 6 month get-away). I flipped to the first page entitled Intentions and Wishes. Here is an abridged list of my intentions and wishes from April, 2007:

* To get my acid reflux under control
* Get my voice healthy
* Go to the gym/exercise 3 times a week
* Change who I am in relationships
* Continue to be honest, but cease to be the queen of too much information
* Let someone get to know me by their choice, not mine
* Become a better listener
* To keep my mouth shut when necessary
* To keep a regular journal
* Support my creative energy and keep it flowing
* Allow myself the luxuries of being a woman

Huh.

Then, as I was looking for who-knows-what, I came across a notebook from 2004/2005. I happened to flip right to January 4th, 2005 which is an entry transcribing a phone session with a psychic. (It may seem as if this is a serious habit for me, but honestly I only consult a psychic about once every three years, give or take.) My but this looked familiar. On the top of one page it says:

5th Chakra --> Throat
Speaking your own truth

masculine qualities (yang)
feminine qualities (yin) depleted

Huh.

Then I went to yoga and the teacher was focusing on the first of The Four Agreements. The First Agreement is Be Impeccable With Your Word. Much more eloquent than my own intention to "keep my mouth shut when necessary."

Then I was watching Glee and one of the lines was "Dreams aren't supposed to be easy." I kept asking, "if this is what I'm supposed to be doing why am I struggling so much?" And then I got my answer from a television show. How frightening, yet amazingly apropos.

I've been getting the same messages over and over again, it would seem. Sometimes I even write them down but they end up shoved under my bed or crammed in the back of a cupboard. This prescribed silence is a culmination of years of getting messages but not really receiving them. Perhaps it could all just be a coincidence, but it's so much more interesting to see things as being connected; to see definitive precision in the ostensibly random. I choose to see things this way so my healing (my life, even) has meaning and longevity.

So I'm receiving the messages now. I'm following my intentions and taking action now and, well, better late than never, right? And (to those of you who have expressed an impatient interest) don't worry, the boyfriend story is coming next. Everything it its time... ;)