Shut Up and Listen

Every time I sit at my computer to write today's entry my eyes get droopy and my body feels as if it cannot spend another second in an upright position. I have slept much of the day away and when I wasn't sleeping I was eating and catching up on episodes of Law & Order (Criminal Intent and SVU, in case you were wondering). It appears that what I was going to write about today will have to wait, as with each attempt it becomes clearer and clearer that my brain does not want any part of that particular topic. So instead, I thought it would be appropriate to write about the experience of silence (thus far) and continue with what led up to it another time.

I planned on starting the silence on July 1st but was booked to do studio work the first week of July to get my album (closer to) finished. I knew a lot of the work was going to be adding instruments, fixing existing tracks and editing, and I was going to communicate by writing or playing charades, but I allowed myself the thought that I'd sing if I had to because I'm on a deadline. I was also asked to meet the writers of a show I'm in (starting rehearsals in August) and told them I was technically going to be on vocal rest but I could go and have a quiet conversation with them. Then my sister asked how on EARTH I was going to be silent on the 4th of July and asked me if I was allowed to laugh. When I said "no" she said, "Well then, I'd better be silent too because you know how funny I am." I laughed and said that I'd try to be silent but if it didn't work out that way, oh well (the retreat starts July 11th anyway, so I KNOW I'll be silent then). I really should've given myself more credit. Once I zipped my lips on July 1st (aside from a couple inadvertent slips which I'll get to later) I have had no problem keeping my mouth shut. I didn't sing in the studio sessions, I didn't meet the writers, and aside from a few whimpers upon being injured, the 4th of July was as silent a day as any of the others. Things are only hard if you resist them and I was resisting the silence while I could still speak, but once the first day of silence arrived it all happened so easily. Sure, it's challenging in many ways but a lot easier than I expected and I think that's because it was time. It's just TIME to shut up and listen.

It's wonderful to see how different people react to me in my silence. I have an index card that I show people that says I am on vocal rest and unable to use my voice. Some people nod and carry on, business as usual. Some start whispering, as if by not using my voice my ears have become more sensitive to sound, while others speak louder and more articulated because clearly without the use of my voice I must also be hard of hearing. Some people apologize, as if they somehow caused this "handicap," some are suddenly SUPER friendly and some people stop talking altogether.

While it's relatively easy to stay silent, I find I'm having an extremely difficult time relaxing. I'm not producing sound but somehow I am more aware of my throat and larynx. I can feel the tension and it's constant and I'm not sure how to fix it. I do head rolls and lightly massage my throat and neck, I open my mouth and stretch my jaw and put my chin against my chest in an attempt to loosen things up but nothing seems to be working. No wonder I have polyps on my vocal chords, I seem carry the weight of the world in my throat. That's clearly not working for me, but I'm not sure how to change it. Any thoughts?

And now for the fun part!

Words accidentally uttered in the presence of others:
"Morning! Shit, I'm not supposed to talk."
"Apple?"

Words accidentally uttered while alone:
"Ouch"
"Mother fucker" (twice)
"Jesus" (commenting on someone's driving)
"Really smart" (cut myself while chopping a carrot)
"Why did I just take [hand flies up to mouth]..."
Started reading a sentence I'd just written to see if it made sense (it didn't)
I know for a fact there are a couple more, but these are the ones I wrote down!

Conclusion: it is much more difficult not to talk to myself than it is not to talk to others. Thoughts: they just come out sometimes!